Pageant girls shouldn’t act this way.” Shelley said at the beginning of episode 2 of Game of Crowns. If you missed last week’s episode, you didn’t miss much that my primer can’t fill you in on. Oh, except the airport chew-out in which one of the fighters described as, “It’s curbside check in, bitch and you’re about to get checked!”
So, what caused this verbal airport brawl? Suzanna, a woman constructed out of old, soggy clementine peels, wore the same jumpsuit as Vanessa, Khloe Kardashian’s real mother. In the scene before, she was cackling wildly, her blue gemstone eyes radiating with malice as she decided to give Vanessa a little once over.
Vanessa couldn’t handle it. She viewed it as a passive aggressive assault on her character, prestige, or that lackluster paisley jumpsuit that you (or she) could probably find on clearance at TJ Maxx. This proves how crazy Vanessa is, in my humble opinion. I mean, if someone arrived at the airport wearing the same outfit I planned to wear, it would be so fun! We would both shriek, “Twins for a day!” while holding each others hands while jumping up and down. We’d trade seats with strangers just so we can sit together. We’d both order a Sprite and a bag of peanuts. We’d finish each others sentences and try to develop twin-telepathy. I’d even try to synchronize our gait as we went to pick up our (hopefully) matching luggage.
But Vanessa isn’t sane like I am. Immediately she starts to freak the fuck out. Which causes Suzanna, who has the mind of a overly self-conscious weiner-dog, to lash out in her brain-scrambling yips, “You’re the copycat, Vanessa!” Which instantly makes her the crazy one in the situation. I thought her twins-for-a-day gambit was cute, but it revealed her most important character flaw, this girl rewrites history like a land grabbing Pope.
Insults were exchanged, “You need to fix your twinkling blue eye, Suzanna!”
“Well, you need to fix your right boob!”
“Oh, that’s a great thing to say to a breast cancer survivor.”
Yikes! Anyway, now we’re actually on Episode 2. It begins with Suzanna walking in on Vanessa burning a bundle of sage as her spirit guide (just some grifter from Maryland) hammered on his deerskin drum. The hotel room was already garbed with shrunken heads, tomahawks, corn crushing rock things, and whatever else Vanessa thinks qualifies as legit Native American tchotchkes. All this and more was created just as a psychological mindfuck to her sworn enemy.
Just as Suzanna sat down, the drums ceased. Vanessa opened her eyes, which lost their dark brown color and remained blank portals to the after-life. Her voice was a chorus of a million deceased ancestors as she said, “You have said things that demeaned my character!” “Character” in this situation being boobies, dirty pillows, or lovely little lumps.
Vanessa threw grade A shade, or should I say gloss? As Suzanna sat there listing all the reasons she was sorry, Vanessa made another lap around her voluptuously puffy lips. I think when they gave her her mastectomy she opted to use the leftover breast tissue to fill her lips. “As we injuns say, waste not want not!” she said from the operating table. This she thought about and more as she angled her gloss pen another inch up. She thought about the time she watched cedar trees’ leaves pleasantly frolicking in the wind as she watched from the second floor of her husband’s casino. He was cutting them down that day to expand the penny slots section.
She over did it, if that was a thing in Vanessa’s life. She grabbed a paper towel to wipe off the excess “cum fuck me pink” brand lip-gloss as she said, “Well, I need an apology.” If she was paying attention she would’ve gotten one, but whatever. Suzanna apologized and Vanessa peed on her, because she’s an “alpha male” or whatever.
There was a short little scene where some of the women gave tribute to the mayor in the form of gifts. ESPN ware from Lori-Ann. Vanessa’s presence from Vanessa. A little basket of weird foods from Leha. I wonder what’s in there? Cappuccino Lays (which I hear are amazing)? Artichoke Dip Mayonnaise? Bertie Botts Beans? What!? Whatever the case may be, the mayor was incredibly impressed with Leha’s firm gripped handshake.
Let’s talk about Leha for a second before the rest of the cuccinis talk about her, shall we? Even though she is probably the only one on the show that I would probably roll with, she does look pretty mannish. Which is probably why I have a magnetism (or man-matism? TROLOL) to her. She’s hella tall and her facial features make her look like a post-op Nigel Thornberry.
So, enough of me talking shit, lets go to the rest of the ladies talking shit! Most importantly, Vanessa walking up the stairs like something is up her ass. Maybe the ass-glue was permanent? Maybe she decided to take her prostate massager out on the town? Who knows! Anyway, they sit down and right out of the gate decide that Leha (pre-op name, Leroy, obviously) is a “forty footer.” Someone who is hella ugly up close but doable from forty feet away. Which, I guess isn’t that doable now isn’t it?
The women all agree, even the classy as hell Shelley! Shelley! Why, Shelley!
The women play the horrible game of betting who would and wouldn’t place in Mrs. America. Note that none of these women are competing this year and some of them competed at one point of their life, but never won. Suzanna hasn’t even competed in a national pagaent yet! Why is she even at this table? Glass houses…
So here are the bets.
Suzanna: Some jewelry from her front jewelry store. Both will get top 10.
Vanessa: A stay at her husband’s casino. Neither of those pigs will get even top 10.
Shelley: $150? Leha will get top ten.
Lynne: Hair dye? Who the hell knows. Leha will get top three.
All the while there is a tarantula somewhere prowling. Is it in the restaurant? Is it their waiter? Is it Lynne’s animal familiar? Is it whatever was stuck up Vanessa’s butt this whole time? Who knows!
So they go to the Mrs. America competition! Hosted by Florence Henderson and her daughter! What a perfect symbol to show how far stars fall. I expected the Mrs. America pageant to be more glamorous (sorry, Florence.) But it seems to take place in a normal hotel, not Mt. Olympus. It’s a little bit disappointing, which I guess is why it’s showcased on episode 2 of this show.
Anyway, the first contest is the minstrel costume swimsuit challenge! Lori-Ann is dressed up in Vanessa’s Native-American costume (bought from Hobby Lobby.) I hope this was what got Lori-Anne the judge’s shaft. It was hella racist. I can’t blame her, though, Vanessa said it was okay!
Vanessa is as Native American as candy corn. Sadly, she’d think this as a compliment.
Leha was dressed up as the all American male girl. The other women, all in the front row, thought it was iin bad taste. You’re not supposed to show off that much foreskin in this competition! As they were gossiping and gawking Leha’s husband,Nick, sitting in the row behind them in a permanent smolder, would shout at them.
Florence Henderson would say, “Look at this next contestant, the magnolias sure do bloom in Rhode Island!”
Nick would shout, “YEAH SHE’S A PRETTY FLOWER LIKE A GEORGIA O’KEEFE PAINTING.”
Mama Brady would just show off her veneers and say, “Right… and our next contestant…”
This went on until the moment that’s going to be discussed for the rest of the season. Leha didn’t get top three, which means Shelley won their awful bet! So she flailed her arms and whooped like a crane. This pissed Nick off, and he was all like, “YOU TALKIN’ ABOUT MY WIFE? HUH HUH HUH? WHAT’S SO FUNNY?”
“No, I just won my bet that your wife wouldn’t win that’s all…” Still an awful bet, ladies.
“YOU FUCKING TWATS.”
Woah, I mean, I’ve called ladies a fucking twat in my day but put a cuccini on that! You’re in the same room as Florence Henderson show a little class. Suzanna didn’t listen to me though, and escalated things, “Listen, you don’t want to fuck with my husband!”
Then, out of nowhere, Nick’s father walks down the row of chairs and whispers into Suzanna’s ear, “How’d you like him dead?”
Woah! “How’d you like him dead!?” That’s a little bit much. Definitely put a cuccini on that! Put a cuccini on this whole situation, I don’t want to see this situation’s awful saggy labia drooping out in this life anymore.
The women jump into the pageant mobile, which is basically the pope mobile with a sash tied around the bulletproof glass cube, and drove into the backstage where no boys are allowed (except for Leha, naturally,) to talk more shit in safety.
Shelley, winner winner chicken dinner, stays because she wants to see who wins. Ballsy! But I think she knew that Leha’s father in law was a bumbling geriatric who didn’t even know where he was.
And that’s all she (well, he, since I’m writing this recap) wrote about Mrs.America! What a let down. I mean, Florence Henderson and all, but what is the rest of the season even going to be about if not the Mrs.America pagaent?
Oh yeah, this ten seconds of footage. Both parties have completely different stories of what happened. Most importantly, though, Susanna completely retold history YET AGAIN! “He’s very aggressive, I think he’s abusive to Leha… Or the other way around, I don’t know! Also, he threatened to shoot Lynne! He’s a cop! He’s a gun! Bang bang! He shot her down!”
Nick’s story? “I guess I called one of them ignorant…”
Whatever, the most important part of this episode is Vanessa having the gall to toast, “Cheers to my face tonight!” I mean, who even does that?
Suzanna antes up her jewelry, because that’s what Italians do apparently. She’s as Italian as The Real Housewives of New Jersey. So, Shelley and Vanessa visit Suzanna’s Jewelry Shoppe, which is just a bunch of quarter capsule machines shipped from Jersey.
They all decide to talk to Leha about Nick’s behavior, so they go to Lynne’s restaurant (sans the tarantula.) They all dress to the nines, naturally. Shelley looks bomb ass in a white scarf draped on her head with a nice blond dress. Lori-Ann is dressed like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. To Vanessa’s chagrin, Lynne and Suzanna are both dressed in matching, sherbert blue, gypsy wedding bridesmaid dresses.Leha is in denim on denim, lamb to the slaughter much! It’s like she knows Vanessa is going to try to throw her out of a moving car or something. She even pulls out the classic, “My kids are sick, so if I get a text I might need to go and take care of them.”
No one believes her. Things go pretty tame until Suzanna starts reinacting the situation in the middle of the restaurant, her harpy-lady shrieks shattering the champagne glasses, “Then he was like, Lynne I’ll kill your husband! And then I karate chopped the shot-gun out of his hand and-”
Then Leha’s phone vibrated wildly. It vibrated out of her breast-coat pocket, whirled around her head a couple of times, and slammed itself against the table. “If your babysitter is texting you that much she should call 911.” Shelley said.
That’s when they heard the squeal of tires, Nick behind the wheel of a cool car which name I couldn’t possibly surmise. “Um,” Leha says while chewing past the nougat of a Twix bar, “My kids need me.” Leha tumbles away from the table, out of the resturaunt, and into her husband’s car. He drives off as Susanna watches, “Oh my god! He almost ran her over! His tires left tracks of fire behind him! A hellish portal opened up in the sky and…”
Suzanna kept making stuff up as she peered through the window at nothing. The women rolled their eyes and continued poking at the blue eggs and ham Lynne made for them. Shelley sighed and looked at Suzanna’s gift, a ring-pop chiseled to look like a skull. “Will all this glitz and glamour be the death of me?” she said to her finger. She suckled on it a little bit, of course it wasn’t a real diamond. But it sure was sweet.