Game of Crowns Episode 3 Recap

Episode three starts with Shelley whisking about her beautiful Connecticut home as her robot children push their food around on the plates. Why even feed them this organic garbage? They just want robot salad, which is just a bunch of batteries and wet electrical tape.

She shows off a note that her son made. To the untrained eye it was just zero and ones, so she translated it for us, “I thought it was a love note but it’s just him loving his mommy, aww!” She’s like Halle Berry in Extant! How fun!

Lynne wanted to throw a tea salon party. Tea salon? Like a tea room? Maybe she meant a tea saloon? No one dressed like a cowboy though… Anyway, she decided to throw this tea saloon party because her father and her used to travel around the whole world, and every hotel they were in they’d drink tea in a fancy place or something. Who knows!

So all of the girls arrive to the tea saloon. Suzanna with her daughter, Bella, the star of the episode, star of the world, star of Suzanna’s way too sparkling cerulean eyes, dancing and making mischief. This girl is totally going to grow up to be Rumpelstiltskin or the cheshire cat when she grows up because all she does is dance and speak in strange riddles like, “I don’t like grape juice, I’m going to have milk after this.” or “What walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three at night.” She’s weird. Shelley’s kids, plugged into the wall to maintain optimaor whatever, giggle at her wildness. They’re also excited to sass-shay at this wild-child’s fashion show!

Bella dances on top three tables at once, two being figments of the mothers’ imaginations, “L.O.L who’s laughing now?” As she pours grape juice and milk into her top hat only to reveal a rabbit.

Suzanna caw’s out, “Stick your pinky out!” She turns to Shelley, “We’re trying to teach her how to be fancy. Hey, do you got any milk?” Shelley’s kids watch in disgust as Bella flies around the room, but they’re still super excited to walk in a fashion show. This excitement is new to them. Is it what humans call emotion?  

They bring up the threat again. And Lynne keeps scanning the floor looking victimized. So sad, so Lynne, oh Lynne, so sad so victimized.They reimagine the whole situation, talk it to pieces for the millionth time. The fable growing larger and larger, Bella dancing in the corner maniacally as things spin out of control. The robots searching through every single season of America’s Next Top Model to learn how to “smeyes.”

Lynne decided to break the tension,  “I have a garden on my head.” The ladies decide to smell her hair. It was weird, “There’s a label on there!”

Bella rehearses her song, “L.O.L” a title she stole from the Miley Cyrus and Demi Moore artistic love child, “L.O.L” So unhip, everyone knows we do things for the luls now. As if, whatever, see you later. You try to break me down/I’m going to blow your mind/you’re on the payphone checking me out/ who’s laughing now/ l-o-l-o-l-o-l-o now.” It was so baddd. The auto-tune was so over the top that she sounded more robotic than Shelley’s kids. That’s saying something.

Suzanna is so proud of Bella and says, “I hope that when the girls come here they’ll see what my life is and what it’s all about outside of the pageant world.” Do I need to add a comment? Suzanna is probably the saddest reality tv show personalities I’ve seen. She’s who inspired Toni Morrison to write The Bluest Eye. She’s really just an underhanded toss at the tee for me.


Leha is constantly being subjected to delicious food. I mean, I feel that this is a sign that you’re doing something right in life. When you arrive at your frenemies’ houses and their trap is to offer you an unpoisoned cinnamon bun bagel I mean, damn. Vanessa, sharpening her knife and fork while licking the gaps between her nail-like teeth,  brings up the “death threat” and then adds on about rumors concerning possible spousal abuse!  I can’t imagine Nick being able to stop the beautiful and abominable she-hulk, Leha. Better munch on that cinnamon bun bagel, girlfriend, which she doesn’t! Leha, with the strength of an army of spartans, declines the bagel! As this television shows, despite being kind of mannish, Leha is probably the most down to earth laid back person on Bravo.

Okay, so apparently Lynne was Leha’s overseer/tutor/mentor, always in the shadows combing through her blue-tipped hair with her tentacle arms. It was Lynne and Suzanna who started saying such preposterous things. What a betrayal!


We then pop over to Enza, Lori-Ann’s mother saying how she likes small balls and mama mia! and flame flowers and HOLY SHIT she is out of control Italian. During a little Italian meal that Lori-Ann made (her family munching unpleasantly on her small balls) Lori-Ann says in an interview, “I’m going to break the fucking mold. I’m going show you how it is… to compete. They try to tell me to to look older,look older.” Vanessa gave her terrible advice!Other than that Her husband called her a truck driver.


Then we go to watch Star Gazers. With the robots shuffling down the runway with their weird accordion legs, their head satellites rotating unattractively, the make-up her mother applied floating off their metal epidermis. Then, Bella, jumps onto the runway to sing L.O.L to a rave audience including a kid with a star shaved into the side of his hair. Suzanna wonders to herself, “Where did she come from? I want to be like that! Most of what I learned for pageants, I learned from Isabella.”


In other news, Vanessa makes some invites to her Breast Cancer awareness run, on the job, in her scrubs, even with the hair container on. How unprofesh!


So, Leha decides to have a calm dinner with Suzanna over the spousal abuse allegations that Suzanna totally started. Leha and Suzanna’s husband should probably be married. They approached the situation with a calm demeanor. Nick, a raging bull waiting to be released into the world, was rotating his steak knife over and over again, imagining he already stabbed it into Suzanna’s kidney and twisting it for giggles.

Suzanna, an orange serpent, extended her neck and waggled it about slowly. Waiting to sink her fangs into the enemy. She denied any allegations of starting shit, despite a classic Bravo flashback to an episode earlier where she clearly stated, “I didn’t hear nice things about Nick. I hear he murders women.”

Leha has no choice but to believe her as Suzanna tells her that it was all Lynne, her mentor! Lynne the woman who birthed her into this wretched pageant world. The discussion was riddled with bleeps and sass-talk. But apparently the show stopped recording on my DVR. OH WELL.



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