Oh, dear, shit just keep getting shittier. So, apparently Bravo released a surprise episode on this show last tuesday, and I didn’t find out until like three days after, so that’s why episode 4 wasn’t recapped. You didn’t miss much.Just more drama. More rumors. More lies. Just more. More!
So, last episode ends with Vanessa winning the crown that she wasn’t supposed to even be competing for, where Suzanna, trying to troll, bringing him over her, and Vanessa just couldn’t handle it, so she had her husband handle it, “You want to talk to a man? I’ll bring you a man!” Vanessa says, dragging her husband into the bullshit fight with Anthony. I hate this shit. Man speaking to another man even though the problem is between Vanessa and Anthony. It’s obvious that she doesn’t have a leg to stand on. I mean, it’s Anthony’s job to sell clothes. What would he even say about the situation? He doesn’t even know what’s going on? Would he understand? None of us understand, why would he? So he cops the “stop disrespecting my wife” bullshit.
Anthony is stunned, he has no idea what’s going on.
Suzanna’s daughter calling the women “stuck up bitches.” Lori-Ann and Shelley both saying lines similar to, “Enough! Enough!”
No butter salt or bread for their meal! Pagaent life is a sad life. Shelley wants to do a weekend at Newport. She’s obviously never seen these shows.
Vow renewal on breast cancer walk. She didn’t even send Vanessa an invitation so that Vanessa could decline spitefully.
Breadsticks and pasta are the only thing to promote Suzanna’s workout. Vanessa gave Lori-Ann the cold shoulder at the pagaent.
Vanessa and Lynne’s confrontation is little racist. “Smoke that peace pipe in the sunset on my horse.” Vanessa, “Has she ever seen a tomahawk?” Vanessa points out that Lynne would still be friends with Leha if she didn’t make the threat allegations. Lynne says that her lawyers are going to be involved as she thrusts her scarf on the bench. Probably hoping that Vanessa will pick it up. It’s probably mic’d.
Lee-Ann’s husband tries to say that he’s 25 years old. She calls him out on it. Now she’s “a hater.”
“It’s standing room only in Vanessa’s head because she has so many personalities.”
Suzanna, “If you have all of these problems with people then maybe the problem is with you.”
They arrive at a party of some sort. Where the only food seems to be hummus and chips, and they complain about the carbs! Leha shows up to Vanessa and Shelley’s, “I really feel that Vanessa is on my side.” Vanessa is only warring with Lynne because she leaked their shit talking!
Suzanna, “Did you bring stirrer?” Lynne: No I bet Vanessa has one. Suzanna: I brought my olive branch just in case I need to slap anyone in the face with it. They place nice upon arrival. Lynne and Suzanna get the mermaid room. Too perfect.
“The butterflies are very symbolic for me and my culture and the release is good for the environment… repopulating…” It was so awkward. Lynne acting like a mewling, sad little blue haired kitten. Casting furitive glances at the rest.
“If Vanessa were to be thrown overboard all the collagen in her lips would probably make her float.”
They’re on the boat. Lynne: Would a shark even eat Vanessa without getting poisoned?
Lynne mailed into compete for a crown in a state she doesn’t even live in. Lynne hired a P.I to investigate Leha’s family. Lori-Ann is all like, “What’s goin’ on? Why is anyone not talking?”
Leha is just sitting there. Bubbling. Lynne: I’m stunned at the poor etiquette of Leha and Vanessa, I mean, they didn’t even congratulate me!
Lori-Ann: I think she needs a cucini in those jean shorts because she’s got a camel toe going on.
Leha crying under her giant, fabulous deep plum lenses. Shelley: why bring crackers, I’m not supposed to have carbs, I mean, what the fuck? Wait, are you okay?
Vanessa’s response to everyone saying, “Don’t talk to me like that.” is, “I JUST DID.” Why hasn’t anyone said, “Yeah you just did, bitch, that’s why I’m gonna pop that lip with my fist!” Maybe when Vanessa pisses of Shelley this crowning achievement will occur. Vanessa gets seasick. Literally I have throw up in my mouth.
Leha leaves because she has to “take care of the kids.” This excuse. She didn’t even say it ironically. Susanna sees through the lie, but it doesn’t require much detective work, even Lynne didn’t need her P.I to figure it out as she slipped a cheese cube into her mouth, her eyes down-cast radiating suspiciousness. Leha didn’t even bring a garment bag.
Lori-Ann asks everyone to talk “level headedly” YEAH RIGHT.
Vanessa and Lynne has it out again, around a kitchen island that’s on an island. (NAUTICAL SHELLEY, OMFG I JUST REALIZED YOUR NAME FITS THE THEME TRIPLE A PTS.)
The finger pointing match between Lori-Ann and Vanessa. Lori-Ann is the first her loses her level headedness. Vanessa calls out her racial-slur thank god. Shelley forces Lynne and Vanessa to shoot back a whole glass of tequila. Shelley, when she speaks with her soft voice, everyone listens. “Lick it, slam it, suck it.”
Unlike every other situation involving tequila, they settled their differences. Shelley, wow, I’m turning for her. I’m turning straight, at this moment, watching her, on this show. This only happened during the Partition music video, Christina hendricks in a astronaut suit, and Catelyn Stark cutting the throat of that jingle-jangle guy/what’s his faces wife does it even matter omg she’s dead now.
Lynne would have never apologized unless she was drunk, she says the next day at 7pm. Suzanna and her both over hear Vanessa talking shit to Shelley, door cracked open (due to the producers, natch,) talking about how Lynne scheduled her vow renewal the same day as her breast cancer walkathon.
She can even look hot without makeup. Unlike everyone else on this show. Shelley decides not to show up to the vow renewal. But your daughters are going to release the butterflies! The butterflies! If your daughters don’t release the butterflies! And the poem! It’s tied to the butterfly release! Shelley, “I’m not ruining your father’s memory. I’m not owning that. Don’t out that shit on me.” Lynne starts crying saying, “It’s a wedding and a funeral every time in my head! Shelley ruined it.”
Shelley, “Oh come on, really?” as she walks out of the drama to go on a jog or a frappuchino. Apparently she’s crying, “I just need to be away from the crazy.”
Categories: Fun Stuff